20 June 2009

Scarcity Ahead

So nobody reads this, but fuck it. I'm switching my public blogging over to my tumblr account, because I have a twitter now, and it integrates, and lots of other reasons, but the main one is that it's time for a change.
We go through phases, and I've reached the end of one and the beginning of another. So without further ado, I will see you all on the flipside, if there is one.

03 June 2009

I know, because I've seen it.

If she loves you, if she really loves you, you’ll know it. If you can wake up to her staring at you and it’s not even mildly creepy, if you catch her smelling the shoulder of the hooded sweatshirt you lent her for an autumn walk at the beach, and not for B.O., if she makes you a pancake in the shape of a shark, if she calls you drunkenly at four in the morning “to talk,” if she laughs at your jokes when they’re funny and makes fun of you when they’re not, if she keeps her fridge stocked with Guinness tallboys for when you come over, if she tells you how she wishes she were closer to her sister and that her dad makes her sad: She loves you, of course she loves you.
From Katie West's Tumblr
This is true. Every word.
Once, I had someone like this. I loved her, too, very much. Maybe she's still reading this blog. Probably not.
I loved her for a very long time - several years. We endured separation, troubles in both our lives, huge changes for both of us, what seemed like everything. We made it work for a long time, and when we were together, nothing could touch us. We were so happy, it felt like we outshone the sun.
Mere weeks before our four-year mark, it all fell apart. I still can't say whose fault it was, I don't want to. I tried, though, and I'm sure she did too. It just wasn't enough.
I still love her, a little. I'm pretty sure she still loves me, just the same. But nothing will ever bring us back to those years we shared, and we both know that, so it's better to go our own ways.
If you're reading this, my dear, know that you are forgiven. I will always love you.

01 June 2009

I'm wrong. There, I said it.

I’m a big fan of pretension. It means “an aspiration or intention that may or may not reach fulfillment.” It doesn’t mean failing upward. It means trying to exceed your grasp. Which is how things grow.
-- Warren Ellis
Hearing / reading someone I admire so much say this, realizing it's true, and looking back on my own usage of the word... it makes me feel like a complete ass, really.
I always used "pretentious" as a blatant insult, as a descriptor for overly intellectual blowhards and theor vacuous discourses. I still think that those people are a gargantuan waste of space and Hampshire's educational time, but I'm not going to describe them with that word anymore. That word, pretentious... it describes what I am, actually. I'm trying to exceed the grasp I have on narrative, on characters, on the making of the story. When I set out to become a game designer, I KNEW it was above me, then. It still is, now. I'm not too much closer than when I started, but I am closer, and that's the part I hold to be important. It's a struggle, learning all this intellectual information, all this psychological research, trying to ferret out what it's telling me. It's tough to play a game and always be asking- What makes this fun? What makes me keep playing? It takes the fun out of it, for sure. It's also much harder than saying what sucks about it- complaining, finding fault, that's a sucker's game. Anyone can play. But when the creator says "Ok, so it sucks. Can you do better?" the complainers sort of shake their heads, sidle away, look uncomfortable. I want to be able to say "Yeah, yeah I can. Watch." and then DO IT.

To everyone who asked me when I was little "what do you want to do when you grow up?"
It's that. That's what I want to spend my life with- Making progressively more awesome things.