20 June 2009

Scarcity Ahead

So nobody reads this, but fuck it. I'm switching my public blogging over to my tumblr account, because I have a twitter now, and it integrates, and lots of other reasons, but the main one is that it's time for a change.
We go through phases, and I've reached the end of one and the beginning of another. So without further ado, I will see you all on the flipside, if there is one.

03 June 2009

I know, because I've seen it.

If she loves you, if she really loves you, you’ll know it. If you can wake up to her staring at you and it’s not even mildly creepy, if you catch her smelling the shoulder of the hooded sweatshirt you lent her for an autumn walk at the beach, and not for B.O., if she makes you a pancake in the shape of a shark, if she calls you drunkenly at four in the morning “to talk,” if she laughs at your jokes when they’re funny and makes fun of you when they’re not, if she keeps her fridge stocked with Guinness tallboys for when you come over, if she tells you how she wishes she were closer to her sister and that her dad makes her sad: She loves you, of course she loves you.
From Katie West's Tumblr
This is true. Every word.
Once, I had someone like this. I loved her, too, very much. Maybe she's still reading this blog. Probably not.
I loved her for a very long time - several years. We endured separation, troubles in both our lives, huge changes for both of us, what seemed like everything. We made it work for a long time, and when we were together, nothing could touch us. We were so happy, it felt like we outshone the sun.
Mere weeks before our four-year mark, it all fell apart. I still can't say whose fault it was, I don't want to. I tried, though, and I'm sure she did too. It just wasn't enough.
I still love her, a little. I'm pretty sure she still loves me, just the same. But nothing will ever bring us back to those years we shared, and we both know that, so it's better to go our own ways.
If you're reading this, my dear, know that you are forgiven. I will always love you.

01 June 2009

I'm wrong. There, I said it.

I’m a big fan of pretension. It means “an aspiration or intention that may or may not reach fulfillment.” It doesn’t mean failing upward. It means trying to exceed your grasp. Which is how things grow.
-- Warren Ellis
Hearing / reading someone I admire so much say this, realizing it's true, and looking back on my own usage of the word... it makes me feel like a complete ass, really.
I always used "pretentious" as a blatant insult, as a descriptor for overly intellectual blowhards and theor vacuous discourses. I still think that those people are a gargantuan waste of space and Hampshire's educational time, but I'm not going to describe them with that word anymore. That word, pretentious... it describes what I am, actually. I'm trying to exceed the grasp I have on narrative, on characters, on the making of the story. When I set out to become a game designer, I KNEW it was above me, then. It still is, now. I'm not too much closer than when I started, but I am closer, and that's the part I hold to be important. It's a struggle, learning all this intellectual information, all this psychological research, trying to ferret out what it's telling me. It's tough to play a game and always be asking- What makes this fun? What makes me keep playing? It takes the fun out of it, for sure. It's also much harder than saying what sucks about it- complaining, finding fault, that's a sucker's game. Anyone can play. But when the creator says "Ok, so it sucks. Can you do better?" the complainers sort of shake their heads, sidle away, look uncomfortable. I want to be able to say "Yeah, yeah I can. Watch." and then DO IT.

To everyone who asked me when I was little "what do you want to do when you grow up?"
It's that. That's what I want to spend my life with- Making progressively more awesome things.

23 May 2009

Waving Goodbye

Saw Nine Inch Nails in Mountain View last night, at the Shoreline Amphitheater. My first concert, by the way, and it was pretty cool.
Got there early, while Street Sweeper was still playing. Boots is a good rapper, but Tom Morello tries to steal the show from him with his "fight the power"bullshit. I fucking hate Rage Against The Machine and their stupid "we're gonna stick it to the man and change the world" crap. They obviously have no clue how this kind of thing works.
Anyway. NIN started late, at maybe 7:20, and it was pretty good up until 8pm, when it got REALLY GOOD, because full dark had set in the and light show was pretty awesome. I was pretty much blind by the end of the show at 9:45. Notables included "Head Like a Hole," "The Hand That Feeds," "Disicpline," and I went nuts over "Survivalism". The last sing was "Hurt"... and it was especailly poignant, knowing that this is Trent's last tour with NIN. He'll still be producing, but no longer actually going on stage with them after this. So, when the last part of "Hurt" started-- 'If I could start again, a million miles away' -- Everything got really quiet, because I think everybody was remembering how much of his life Trent has given to NIN, how long he's been doing this, and how tired he must be, sometimes. And then the next part-- "I would keep myself... I would find a way..." -- And the guitar cuts in, loud and awesome, and the lights all snap on, and everybody was cheering like there was no tomorrow. Trent steps up, bows, and says "Thank you." And then he walks off, followed by everyone else. The guitar feedback keeps going until the mixer cuts it off, and bam, that's the end of the show.
Truly epic, an amazing ending. Simple, yet fitting.

11 May 2009

Literally the worst possible time

I am (slightly) late to work at the diagnostic center, today, and decide to drop my possessions off in the care of my fellow techs before searching out nutritive items.
Except the student store is closed.
So is the bridge cafe.
And the vending machine won't take money!

There is not a single bloody place on the entire college campus, as of now, that I can purchase a caffeinated beverage from. Not one.
Of course, it's my last week of finals. This is going to be AWESOME.