30 April 2005

Falling down in pieces

Ugh, I'm definitely sick now. I have been moderately sick through all of last week with countless and namesless troubles that have made my life a misery. I've had even less sleep than usual (oh shits) and I feel worse than usual. Even spending time in the company of some of my closer friends didn't solve it for more than an hour. You know there's something wrong when a pretty girl smiles at you and you don't even feel flattered.
I've probably said this before, but I feel it more than ever now: if you haven't had a long-distance relationship with someone, you have NO FUCKING CLUE how hard and torturous it is. What you realize, after the first month or so, is that wow, you REALLY love this person. And I mean REALLY. Like, even lazy, phobic, freedom-loving and commitment-wary me is starting to think... "hmm... I don't think I'd mind spending a huge part of my life with this person." It's kinda scary the first time you realize that you really do care enough about this person to do things that would seem insane to anyone else, and that you're not afraid to be hurt and denied becasue you love this person. You think about this person every day, and every social action is examined in the context of your love for this person. I've had to make decisions and reject courses of action because of what it would have done to my relationship, and although I feel pangs of regret sometimes, I know that I've done the right thing.
Every moment I spend with her is so precious, and every day we've had together feels like it's burned into my mind. I love her so much, and what I want most on the world right now is to be with her.
It's anchoring and comforting to have something about me that I know won't change.

28 April 2005

School report

Blogging during school hours has always appealed to me, if only because I'm apparrently supposed to be doing wokr whenever I have a free moment. The truth, of cours,e is ugly, but I think anyone with half a brain oculd have guessed that. I don't work. I really don't, unless there's an assignment to turn in. If I'm in a class I like, I'll do the reading, otherwise kiss it goodbye. I haven't done the reading for some classes in over a semester. Contrary to, erm, someone's idea of a high school student, I treat this like a dead-end job at Kmart stocking shelves. I try to come here as little as possible, learn as little as possible, and do as little work as possible. I've coasted through four years here, I think, and still somehow managed to get passable grades and get into a good college. Occaisionally, there is a class that'll catch my (mayfly-like) attention and I'll put a good amount of work into the class. I'm not incapable of working hard, I just find it hard to discern what merits hard work and what doesn't. Given the choice, I generally err on the side of laziness.
So what was today like? I have only one class on thursdays, which usually meanas I come to school terribly late (after lunch, actually), and waltz into my only class. Well, today I made a terrible mistake. I came to school at 8 instead of 12. So instead of missing whatever crappy, meaningless B-block activity I might have had, I was shanghaied into a teach-in along with the rest of the school. Let me tell you, I was kicking myself. I gave up sleep and leisure for being bored out of my mind and being unable to be a total asshole (like I usually am when I'm bored) because there's a person in the room who I actually respect, and I didn't want to fuck it all up just because I was feeling petulant. What did I learn? Well, gee, Hunter's Point sure does suck to live in. Oh, and also the government is bad. And we're all gonna die, and communism is the way to go. Death to capitalist pigdogs.

26 April 2005

Tiny note--

I have had a big fat ZERO VISITORS since this blog was made. Prove me wrong, leave a comment if you visit, folks. Interesting to note that I thought that this blog might get me on the "map" of the internet. How wrong I was. You can google me and this will turn up, it's just that no-one would BOTHERS to google ben karnow. Sometimes things just turn out to be therapeutic writing on the walls or talking to yourself.


Finally fixed some things that were buggin' the everloving shit out of me. The navbar on the side, under my profile, is now fixed with PROPER links and link titles.
I'm still unhappy with my current computer setup, but not in the "ooh, I can tweak it" way. I'm genuinely unhappy about two things- first up is heat. My box has been unpredictably locking up when I leave it alone for too long, and I thinks it might be them temps, because we're entering warmer weather. This is not a comforting thought, though, because it gets WAY hotter than this in the summer. A corollary to this is airflow. My current case, to put it bluntly, SUCKS for airflow. It' looks good in concept, but having no front fan is killing me. I may just have to destroy the prettiness and knock out great big chunks of the front, practicing my dremel skillz on my old case first, of course. I really like the lighting, it's just that I won't sacrifice power for looks. It's not the way I work. Second beef is my productivity. I've been scraping by lately, and frankly... I have been doing little to zero work. At all. Period. It's coming back to bite me, but I still don't care. Well, some of me cares, but some of me also says "what's the point?" I don't know. Even WORSE, my innate intelligence and capacity to remember things is letting me get by with okay grades, and it just makes me want to work even LESS. For example, I had a practice AP test in AP computer science today. I practically aced it, and I didn't study a whit. Not a second. I'm scared of things like this because when it gets to the real deal I'll have a damm hard time getting myself to study for it, because I thought it was so easy... and then I'll get a poor grade on a class that I LOVE and wouldn't trade for anything else in the world, except more time with my girlfriend.
I stopped using approcket because it got stale. I mean, I'd fire the thing up maybe once a session to start azureus, but that'd be it. I think I need to go back to using blackbox, then I'd actually need to use it. blackbox and approcket- a study in productive minimalism. I think I'll make that my goal for an entire week, to use only blackbox and approcket. If I can't get to it using those, I won't use it. Might be a bit extreme, but what the hell. No time soon, of course, since school is still in session and I need guaranteed productivity (as if) and leisure.
I need a good calendar program, if only so that I can schedule my weekends because forgetting shit that's happening has finally lost its appeal to me. Before, I'd just be like, "whatever, it's nothing I want to do anyway" but now it's different. I actually have stuff that I care about going on, things I actually don't want to forget about.
Also on the to-get list are a double trigger for my tippmann 98 custom, and a new keyboard. I've lived off my IBM and my pilot for years, but it's just not cutting it anymore. I need to go to crapUSA at some point and buy one... and another thing about keyboards. They should really have a "try before you buy" thing. If it comes back with doritos or some shit on it, okay, you suck, it's yours. But otherwise, it's SO hard to find a good keyboard. You need one that's quiet, has keys that are the right distance away for you fingers, one that has functions you like, so on and so forth. For me it's quite hard to find a keyboard that fits my size gi-normous hands (I use an original Xbox controller, the controller S is too small for me) and is also quiet with good, clicky keys (I mean sensitive and unmushy). Also, for that matter, I'd kill to try one of those Razer Boomslang mice. They look killer, and for once I might be able to find a mouse that, again, fits my huge hands. All logitech mice are too small for me, microshaft mice are about right, but they COULD BE BIGGER. I mean, I'm looking at an easy half-inch more of width that I'd like. probably more like 3/4" or a full inch more, counting the other side of my hand too. I've heard that using your whole lower arm makes you mouse faster, and I'm prevented from doing that by the fact that my mouse is lost under my hand. It would also probably make my posture better, which is something that anyone has trouble with.
Oh, and if god is listening I'd also like a lian-li PC1000, an ASUS A8V Deluxe, an Athl0n64 3800+, and an Arctic Cooling A64 Freezer HSF. If that isn't in the cards, well, a new mousepad wouldn't go amiss. *whimper*
God, I am SO broke right now.

22 April 2005


Well, well, well. I leave school for a day and come back twice the man I thought I was. Well no. Actually I was coming down with a touch of bronchitis, so I stayed home... it's helped some, I'm still spitting unidentifiable goo into the garbage can or sink every so often. MY cat scratches are getting better, but the pain(t)ball bruises refuse to fade. They're mocking me... they know I'm broke and that I can't go again this weekend :( I've been enjoying some of the guilty pleasures of life lately... got some chocolate from Europe, couertesy of my globe-trotting mother, been playing EVE (more in that in a minute) and been getting sleep. And watching a certain music video (only three times) that just makes you go WOW.
EVE. Well, what can I say? Before this, I was under the impression that playing an MMORPG entailed hours of agony waiting for patches, failed connections, bad documentation, inexplicably illogical gameplay and dealing with the asshats who comprised 90% of the population. You know, the guys who go around calling themselves Darth Nutsack or something equally maturity-revealing. So I decided to try EVE. I mean, masochism is all the same at some level, regardless if you're being whipped on a space-station or in an apartment in Mega-City. There's still the straps, the buckles, the masks, the ball-gags... Anyway, I downloaded the EVE client and immediately felt cheated. Only 450 mb? Where's the pain in that? My download was most unrighteously fast too, only 45 minutes. Then I installed. WHAT? No fumbling around for a trial key? Thwarted, I launched the game. Faith and Begora! What did I behold but a simple, tastefully arranged login box with... of all the insidious ploys... ONLY ONE SELECTABLE SERVER? My hopes of dashing around online forums for the rest of the night, frantically typing noob post after noob post (hay guyz wich server is teh nub serverer bcuz i wanna play teh game and pwn ppl lol!!!111oneone) were dashed. Also present were patch notes, compelling epic music, and a news box. I was crushed. In defeat, I entered my chosen password and logged in. At last! A box popped up informing me that I was on a trial account, that I had 14 days remaining, and that the SERVER COULD ONLY HOLD 800 TRIAL ACCOUNTS! Was this my chance to finally feel the punishment I so rightfully deserved? I clicked close, and eagerly awaited a crash, a pop-up, ANYTHING. None were forthcoming. I was logged in without incident and told to create a character.
At this point, I wept bitter tears of HATRED at CCP, the dammed Icelandic minions of terror who had not only made a good-looking MMORPG, but had made one that ACTUALLY WORKED THE WAY IT WAS SUPPOSED TO.
Then I started playing. I made mistakes with my first character, but shortly thereafter created another one and did everything right. Currently, I'm enjoying myself in a way I thought impossible within the context of an MMORPG. Just goes to show you, nobody does it better than the Icelandic.

18 April 2005

Quick fix licks lips

Uninstalled Matrix Online. Canceled account. EVE Online account started. Hope I made the right choice.

And so, the new era began.
Rex Torean flipped off the comm-screen and slouched back in his chair. His head lolled left and right, taking in the cubicle that had been his home for so many years. So many memories, so many times he'd nearly lost it. But now, no more. His few posessions were gathered in a duffel by the door, and he'd just come back once more to say goodbye. As he rose, a gleam caught his eye. There! It was a small thing, an Amartin charm from... the memories swept him back. No. She was gone. He grabbed it anyway, looping it around his neck. Maybe it would help protect him. He took one last look around, reveling in the mess and disorder, the signs of life. He'd never be able to live like THIS again. With a parting sigh, he hoisted his duffel and walked the corridor to the lift tubes, and then down and out the front door, tossing his access card to the robo-receptionist as he passed. Outside, a taxi was waiting. "Savular Spaceport, please." He climbed in the back and slept through the ride. The needle-like structure of the orbital launcher was visible through the clouds as he walked across the tarmac to the lander that perched in the middle of the pad like a giant mollusk. A single figure stood at the bottom of the ramp. "Rexandan Oliverius Sachamon Toreander, I presume..." Rex sighed. "Yes." The lance-commander saluted, and held out a packet of orders. Rex scanned them half-heartedly, barely listening to the man's speech. "...and so, by the grace of his Imperial Majesty, I hereby commute your ejection from the Imperial War Academy and bestow upon you the rank of Naval Reserve Captain. Praise the Emperor!" Rex's head snapped up. "What?" He re-read the paper. There it was, clear as day. Promoted to captain and his ejection commuted. But why? The lance-commander offered no information. Rex walked up the ramp, spirits higher than they had been in years. His own command! The flight to the orbital passed in bliss. Rex staggered through the zero-g to the bulkhead window and pressed his forehead to the glass. "Which one? Which is she?" The lance-commander pointed silently to a aged, patchwork freighter. Brand-new weapon blisters protruded from her sleek lines like buboes on a plague victim. Her drive cones were black with residues, and her sensor arrays trailed broken cables like seaweed. She was the most beautiful ship Rex had ever seen. He turned to the lance-commander, his eyes shining. "When do we lift?"

Wide awake

Too awake, as a matter of fact.
I was sitting in class today, and suddenly came upon a terrible realization. I was sitting there, NOT nodding off, NOT not paying attention. I was irrevocably, horrifically awake, and I truly understood for the first time the terror of school. I couldn't tune class out, I couldn't think on my own, I was STUCK there, digesting what was being said to me.
It was a first in recent memory, and a terrible shock after being wrapped in the warm, muzzy disbelief of extreme fatigue throughout most of the year. I think I need to sleep less on the weekends.

I've made the decision to quit playing the Matrix Online. I'm going to go on and distribute my posessions to my friends, and then go find an agent and die to him. That will be my end.

Here lies the grave of SilentW, karate master and beta tester. They made levelling too hard, and drove him away. May Zion remember him.

And in response, I'm starting up in EVE Online... stars ahoy and anchors aweigh! I'm going into space! That's right, Rex Torean is grabbing his guns, firing engines and getting his sorry, alcohol-soaked butt offworld! He's hiring on with Dragon Aspect Enterprises, and his newly christened freighter, "The Stick In Your Eye III", is about to go and mine some serious ore and crack an industrial-sized can of whup-ass!

See you at the jumpgate.

10 April 2005

44 Folders

Suck it down, Emerson Taymor.
(notice entry #1?)

Spring break over, waah, cry cry cry.

I have a buttload of AIM logs that I'm going to post on here at some point. It isn't that I REALLY want to make the people in them feel uncomfortable or embarassed, it's just that I'd like to expose them for the benefit of everyone. Maybe I'm just feeling sadistic or something. I'll make them anonymous, but that may not do much. Some people are just... obvious.

I've been looking at a lot of stuff that supposedly makes you more productive, life hacks and all that. I've been convinced that I REALLY need to install linux (great, more guilt)

Worktime. Now.

05 April 2005

I've been eating too much blah blah...

In the interests of sanity (mine) and work-safeness (yours), I might ask Zach to stop syndicating my blog directly, and just tell him to add a little doohicky that says I've made a new post and the title of the post.

I like Gorillaz. Always have. Always will. Don't care how stupid they get, or how bad their music gets, I will still love them for bringing me Clint Eastwood and 19-2000. Latest music video is sucky and strange as all hell. I am thoroughly sorry I watched it. I am NOT sorry, however that--
1. I have turned 18. Wee.
2. I have acquired some very funny flash animations.
3. It is my spring break.
4. I have just returned from a very nice weekend (and then some) with my girlfriend.
5. I just got my purple belt in karate.

The last one qualifies me as a DFP. That stands for Dangerous Fucking Person. I also have a new, heavy steel watch, and I am playing lots of violent video games. This means that I could snap at any moment, which would most likely lead to the snapping of necks (yours), the breaking of bones (yours), and the release of great rage and furious anger against those who attempt to POISON my CHILDREN! (bonus points for the stupid slacker who missed the movie reference)

I need to see Sin City. This is official, because it came out two days before my birthday and it is fucking YEAH. I always said it would be, but did they listen? No. Now it's out and it's YEAH, just like I said and I DESERVE to go see it.

Stuff to do before the end of the year--
3. Make fun of people.
4. Post embarassing and damaging AIM chat logs here.
5. Blackmail people with the aforementioned logs.
6. Make a senior prank and carry it out.
7. Pwn more people.
8. Laugh more, and laugh at other people's expense more often.
9. Make less unfunny jokes.
10. Let people know when I'm making an unfunny joke so they can laugh at it or shake their heads. (See numbers 3, maybe 4 and 5, 7, the second half of 8 and probably not 9 or 10)

Um. Well, I got a new memory foam mattress for my bed. First time I've ever woken up NOT hurting is when I slept on that mattress. Makes me want to sleep more, too. Yay.
I thinks that I should learn Python, but I'mf not so sures. Maybe a waste of time, but less of one that Perl would be.
Linux install... is coming. As soon as I can reinstall Windows. And back up my files. And reinstall my games. (I'm reminded of a certain PA comic)
Oh, and as a bonus... I thought of Greg Schram when I saw this comic.