19 October 2008

Good news! I WAS just depressed last night. But of course... that doesn't mean everything I said wasn't true.

>_<

So, this so-called 'fun event' I did this/last night... sucked. Weeks of prep, and the best thing I did was something tossed off of the top of my head, something unfair, railroading and ridiculous. I was just thoroughly disappointed.
And yeah, I have other things in my life to make me happy... not really. Fun has turned into work for so many things I like, and I ain't had a thing twixt my nethers in over a month that don't share my DNA, if you get my drift.
It could just be late, I could just be depressed, but my life is just not going how I want it to. It looks fine from the outside, but it's not. It's just barely there. I don't even know why I do anything anymore, just from memory or some vaguely remembered sense of duty.
Everything I touch begins to hate me, sooner or later. I wish I knew why.

04 October 2008

I should be working, but...

Every so often I get a chance to look at my life... And right now, it's not at all what I wanted.
I hear tell that I can get a boring-ass internship at Intuit in San Diego over the summer, do nothing, and basically get paid enough to drink myself stupid every night and never want for money.
But instead? I want to intern a game developer, which will be STUPID amounts of work and probably pay next to nothing.
There are fun things going on outside of Hampshire that I'd love to go to.
But instead, I'm stuck inside here playing to the whims of a plan I never agreed to, working for a so-called 'fun' even that's going on in two weeks, and I realize that I have NEVER once made it to an event off campus with my girlfriend, and I feel like a total shit. I haven't even had any really good reasons NOT to! Just work! Screw that.

I feel like a complete and utter failure right now because I can't even write a god-damm summary of an article I've read 5 times.
This would be a really good time to have antidepressants, but unfortunately, mine don't seem to be working anymore! Woo fucking hoo.